“Faith consists in believing what reason cannot.”
On Saturday, we honored the memory of Everett E. Gantz Jr. with a quiet, traditional Episcopal memorial service. After nearly 89 years on this earth, my father was still an enigma to many— and to me in many ways. Few truly knew the man behind the stoic, Midwestern-chiseled facade— and the charismatic artist/wife of more than 50 years. Thankfully, my dear sister Melissa gave a lovely, instructive “reflection” that filled gaps and hearts.
The loss is palpable—and beginning with my mother’s devastating stroke in January 2010, the grieving process has been a lingering one.
Plus, as a single, working mother of two growing boys, remembering to “put the oxygen mask on first” is a constant effort—and a daily focus of my mindfulness practice. However, I am certainly no role model for the “sandwich generation,” and I guarantee you that I still get tangled up in the roughage, as it were. Still, I have come to understand that the frustrating stubbornness and vitriol I have encountered on “both sides of the bun” often mask the poignant vulnerabilities that quite frequently melt my heart.
Mastin Kipp, one of my favorite daily inspirational mentors, says, “When you let go and admit it, accept that you have moments of being a mess, and you share that feeling at times with the rest of us, then you can step into a larger, freer life.”
So, with another Mother’s Day behind us and a new normal dawning, I have revisited something I wrote several years ago for my mom:
No need to give to feel anymore.
Her bare spirit shines — less the veneer.
Without speech, without talk
The essence of her soul.
Awareness without comprehension,
She looks at me finally – and actually sees.
Letting go of need.
Content to be.
Fights her wheeled prison.
Her body knows now
To bridge the chasm.
There between this Scylla and Charybdis.
And yet he still clings.
Denies to suppress — but never go home.
Letting go of control.
But the seizures defy
The years and the secrets
He insists to know why.
Anger. Passion. Pain.
A stone cold wall.
What a loss — so far.
Tear us apart and we fall.
Oh, to let love . . .
So, letting go.